Thoughts after February 14

Thoughts about love. What is it really?

They say, love is wise. It teaches our mind what to feel. But why do some get fooled and ended up broken.

Some said love conquers all. It allows a person to do everything for someone they truly love. But why do some give up.

Another said that love is patient. Only fools rush in, so the song goes. They say if we really love someone, we have to wait for the right time. But how will you know if you waited too long. What if you’re waiting for nothing?

How do we define love? How can we explain a feeling that is too strong for words?

Love – unexplainable, unpredictable, complicated. Yet we chase it, we choose it. All the time.

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Angel

How can you lose someone you never had? How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

How can you lose someone you never had?

How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

We often hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”. No matter how much we wanted to seek answers to so many why’s, we hold our stand in believing that someday everything will soon make perfect sense. Tragedy tests our patience. It can leave us devastated, emotionally drained and most of the time we blame ourselves for all the ridicule that this cruel world brought us.

Where can we get the courage to move on? How can we start all over? When will this pain ends? It will be a long and hard battle to win. A lot of lessons to learn, tears to shed, hearts to mourn. Things get worst before it gets better. With all these circumstances, our faith must hold us together. Let it go. Continue to trust in Him. Instead, don’t ask why, seek for His answer.

Fly now our angels.

Kalayaan

Paano kita papalayain?

Isang bagay na kay hirap gawin

Alaala mo na araw-araw kong kapiling,

Ang pagpapalaya ba sa akin ay darating

Sa isang iglap, sa isang kurap,

Pagkawala mo’y hindi ko matanggap

Ang iyong haplos sa bawat sakit,

Hindi ko na kailanman makakamit

Sadyang ang panahon ay kay bilis sayo’y dumating,

Pagmamahal mo sa amin mo lang pinarating

Kung maari lamang na ikaw ay aming bawiin,

Ang sakit sa aming puso’y papawiin

Ang iyong mga tinurong aral aking babaunin,

Pagmamahal mo kahit saan ay dadalhin

Paano ba kita papalayain?

Ikaw na nagbigay ng buhay sa akin.

Counting

One month,

Of sorrow and pain,

Of keeping each other sane
One month,

Of waking up and trying,

Of sleeping and crying
One month,

Of holes and emptiness,

Of feeling of loneliness
One month,

Of continuous longing,

Of holding and fighting
One month,

Of missing you,

Of losing you.

“Flowers”

It was 4th of November 2017 when I came by to see you. Before I get to your place, I decided to pass by a store to buy you flowers. I realized I have never done that since you left. With just a few minutes, I will get to see you again. On our way to finding your place, a familiar feeling that I forgot existed suddenly came over me. I tried to ignore it and kept myself composed. Then I saw you, in the same place where we left you. I walked towards you while dragging my feet along the ground. I got fidgety, shaky. I handed over the flowers and stared at you. “Hi Mommy ‘La, I miss you”, I said. In my head, a lot of things I wanted to tell you. It was supposed to be a happy one-sided conversation. I want to tell you that we’re doing fine, I want to update you on what I’m up to. But none of them came out. Instead, all I could ever think of is how much I miss you.

Tears started flowing. I cried like it was just yesterday when you left us. The feeling that I had been containing abruptly took over me. I struggled to talk, words won’t come out. It has been 18 years and still the pain lingers just the same. Too many what-ifs, so many times I longed for your presence – my sister’s wedding, your great grandson’s birth, our birthdays, our graduations, every New Year. How I needed your comfort when I was down. How I wished I could get the chance to travel with you. But all those were just wishful thinking. The least I can do is to ask you to visit me again in my dreams. It has been years since the last time you did. You used to talk to me in my dreams, whenever I’m troubled or to simply tell me you’re happy for me. Probably, those were just my illusions, but I will give up anything to experience it again.

At that moment, my mom hugged me. I looked at her and realized how much harder it was for my mom than on me. She lost her mother. She became a parent without her parents guiding her. But she pulled through, because you are in her, YOU are HER. Yes, I lost you but the empty space you left were filled greatly by my mom. From that thought, I found comfort.

Just like the song goes, “You were an angel in the shape of my mum, You got to see the person I have become. Spread your wings and I know. That when God took you back, He said “Hallelujah, you’re home”