Inked, Marked, Tattooed

Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.

“I leave it up to 2018 to surprise me”. Same date last year when I posted this statement on my first blog for 2018. In the past, I used to write my goals and plans at the start of each year. But in 2018, I didn’t. I broke my own rules and welcomed spontaneity. Little did I know that after publishing that post, I was few hours away from receiving the “surprise” that 2018 had for me.

It was the worst, devastatingly shocking surprise. It ripped all the sh*t out of me. Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.

On its anniversary date, I was thinking of writing the same thing. Later on, I changed my mind. I realized no matter how much I write, the pain will never goes away. This longing and emptiness will never end. The torment will always remain. All it will do is to consume what is left of me. I know whoever the reason for this pain will never want me to stay this way. That someone would like me to find the strength to go on, to live this life.

That day took the most important person in my life. I will never forget it. Far more, I will remember that someone as long as I shall live.

Forever, marked.

Ambivalent

Hey 2018, I cant wait to leave you! The pain you brought me was the worst and the hardest that I had endured. I didn’t even know how I was able to pull through, but I did.

At the same time, a part of me would like to hold on to you. Leaving you means I will have to leave the last year that we shared together. Facing an entire year without my hero.

But life goes on as they say, no matter how hard it had been. I’ll bring with me memories not just of 2018 but all the years weve been together. Now, I bravely welcome you 2019, for whatever it is you have in store for me.

12.12

12th day of the 12th month of the year:

January – First birthday

February – First whole month

March – First summer outing

April – First church event

May – First Mother’s day

June – First visit to salon

July – First hospitalization

August – First sleep over in our new home

September – First job shift

October – First Gabe’s competition

November – First annual out of town trip

December – First family reunion

Without you..

Midnight

In my dreams,

I saw your face

You smiled at me

It melted my heart

In my dreams,

I heard your voice

You spoke so softly

It calms my soul

In my dreams,

I held your hand

You touched me

It lingers in my mind

Once again,

You were there

You were with me

But only in my dreams

The Last Dance

The iconic song “Ang Huling El Bimbo” was brought to the musical theater and I got the chance to watch it last night. It was a story about friendship of four college students named Joy, Jay, Emman and Hector. The play revolved around building relationship and how it was tested by a horrible incident. Eventually, this drifted them apart, leaving them with unresolved issues. The only girl among the group, Joy suffered the most. She did not finish college, endured life of poverty, got a child out of wed-lock and struggled hard to sustain their daily means. As how the song Ang Huling El Bimbo ended, “at isang gabi, nasagasaan sa isang madilim na eskinita”, eventually Joy encountered a tragic death.

For it was already one hell of a sobering song, putting it to play is a lot more distressing. The last act was soulful and intense. After 20 years, the boys came over to pay their last respect to Joy. It was the boys’ graduation when they last met and didn’t communicate thereafter. Full of regrets, what ifs and repentance. Sadly, Joy will no longer hear them.

Coping up with the cruelties and struggles that this world brings, we tend to overlooked those who have been with us from the beginning. As we aged, we conquer our own battle. We wasted our time dwelling over material things, fame and success. Consequently, it allowed us to neglect our families and friends, the core who unceasingly supported us. When they depart, regardless of the amount of time that we spent with them, we still wished we had more time. Imagine how painful it will be for someone who failed to do so. Life indeed is short. So this I have to say, make time for friendships and relationships. Don’t wait till its too late.

Dance with them as if it will be the last.

Angel

How can you lose someone you never had? How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

How can you lose someone you never had?

How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

We often hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”. No matter how much we wanted to seek answers to so many why’s, we hold our stand in believing that someday everything will soon make perfect sense. Tragedy tests our patience. It can leave us devastated, emotionally drained and most of the time we blame ourselves for all the ridicule that this cruel world brought us.

Where can we get the courage to move on? How can we start all over? When will this pain ends? It will be a long and hard battle to win. A lot of lessons to learn, tears to shed, hearts to mourn. Things get worst before it gets better. With all these circumstances, our faith must hold us together. Let it go. Continue to trust in Him. Instead, don’t ask why, seek for His answer.

Fly now our angels.

Kalayaan

Paano kita papalayain?

Isang bagay na kay hirap gawin

Alaala mo na araw-araw kong kapiling,

Ang pagpapalaya ba sa akin ay darating

Sa isang iglap, sa isang kurap,

Pagkawala mo’y hindi ko matanggap

Ang iyong haplos sa bawat sakit,

Hindi ko na kailanman makakamit

Sadyang ang panahon ay kay bilis sayo’y dumating,

Pagmamahal mo sa amin mo lang pinarating

Kung maari lamang na ikaw ay aming bawiin,

Ang sakit sa aming puso’y papawiin

Ang iyong mga tinurong aral aking babaunin,

Pagmamahal mo kahit saan ay dadalhin

Paano ba kita papalayain?

Ikaw na nagbigay ng buhay sa akin.

Battle

I was up last night thinking about Anthony Bourdain’s death. It has been a series of suicide, depression and mental health condition events that caused these personalities to took their own lives. I lost a loved one due to a heart condition. I witnessed how she fought hard to live. She would have done anything and everything to extend her life to be with us. I will never condemn or question those people with depression on why they did what they did. But I can’t help but to wonder, how does this condition affect one’s thinking? What’s going through their mind? What are they feeling?

I may not be able to answer all these questions on my mind, but for now, all I know is that its a battle. A battle that must be taken seriously. I pray fervently to those who are still suffering this battle, that they will find the courage to suppress it, win over it and wake up to another day.

Gone

Craving for the sound of your voice,

I wont hear it, I have no choice

No matter how much I long for your touch,

I cant hold you, holes in my heart I cannot patch.

My eyes wants to see your face,

I close it for memories I wont erase

Every waking day, your hug, your kiss,

Unselfish love, I will forever miss.

My prayers each night for a chance to be with you again,

But devastating to know from me, you are taken

So early, you left me,

My soul cries for all that can’t be.

Twenty Eighteen

Thoughts as another year unfolds

New Year’s Day while on our way back to Manila after the holidays, I asked a loved one why he doesn’t make a list of goals for the New Year. His answer was simple “I don’t want to set expectations and disappoint myself when I fail to achieve it”. Curiously, I asked again, “Then how do you make things happen in your life without planning?” And he immediately answered, “As long as I know what I’m doing and it will take me to what I want to be, I’m good with it, no need to write it down.”

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On the contrary, it has been a tradition for me marking down my plans to kick-off the year. My progress stimulates a sense of excitement as I tick-off my lists every year-end. The regulars usually are my travel goals to as many places as I can, saving up PhpXXX amount, career leap, losing weight and learning something new. My 2017 didn’t fail me except for the losing weight part (LOL). After that conversation, I contemplated for a while. Do I want to change how I do things this year and try doing it spontaneously? Will I ditch listing down my goals/plans for 2018? Eleven days after New Year, I finally decided to stick to what I got used to. Not because I don’t want to take chances and do something new. I do, actually. It’s just that, it works for me so why get rid of it?

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In the era of social media, everything is public, fast-paced, #Goals posted everywhere, associating our lives and achievements from that of others and the end-products are pressure and stress. I too experienced it at some point. More often my goals were patterned after the clamor of the society. Sometimes the intent and purpose doesn’t define me. At that moment, I paused to think what really makes me happy? Who do I really want to become? Then flashes of things that I love doing crossed my mind – fulfillment after reading a good book, writing a blog, going back to running, visiting more heritage houses and museums and as plain as enjoying a cup of coffee during friends meet-up. With that thought, there’s no point in pushing myself too hard. I want to recourse to conventional activities which are less stressful and will make me feel better. I will still navigate but with a purpose of fulfilling the old soul in me and not just for the show-off bucketlist. I will work not for the heck of getting that “title” but because I don’t want an idle mind. I will still spend prudently but scrap setting a specific amount, instead I will save to buy more books and to build a shelf for my stuff. This year, I will take things on my own pace as modestly as I can. With my own definition of contentment.

And for the greater things, I’ll leave it up to 2018 to surprise me!

Continue reading “Twenty Eighteen”