Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.
“I leave it up to 2018 to surprise me”. Same date last year when I posted this statement on my first blog for 2018. In the past, I used to write my goals and plans at the start of each year. But in 2018, I didn’t. I broke my own rules and welcomed spontaneity. Little did I know that after publishing that post, I was few hours away from receiving the “surprise” that 2018 had for me.
It was the worst, devastatingly shocking surprise. It ripped all the sh*t out of me. Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.
On its anniversary date, I was thinking of writing the same thing. Later on, I changed my mind. I realized no matter how much I write, the pain will never goes away. This longing and emptiness will never end. The torment will always remain. All it will do is to consume what is left of me. I know whoever the reason for this pain will never want me to stay this way. That someone would like me to find the strength to go on, to live this life.
That day took the most important person in my life. I will never forget it. Far more, I will remember that someone as long as I shall live.
12th day of the 12th month of the year:
January – First birthday
February – First whole month
March – First summer outing
April – First church event
May – First Mother’s day
June – First visit to salon
July – First hospitalization
August – First sleep over in our new home
September – First job shift
October – First Gabe’s competition
November – First annual out of town trip
December – First family reunion
How can you lose someone you never had? How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?
How can you lose someone you never had?
How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?
We often hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”. No matter how much we wanted to seek answers to so many why’s, we hold our stand in believing that someday everything will soon make perfect sense. Tragedy tests our patience. It can leave us devastated, emotionally drained and most of the time we blame ourselves for all the ridicule that this cruel world brought us.
Where can we get the courage to move on? How can we start all over? When will this pain ends? It will be a long and hard battle to win. A lot of lessons to learn, tears to shed, hearts to mourn. Things get worst before it gets better. With all these circumstances, our faith must hold us together. Let it go. Continue to trust in Him. Instead, don’t ask why, seek for His answer.
Fly now our angels.
Craving for the sound of your voice,
I wont hear it, I have no choice
No matter how much I long for your touch,
I cant hold you, holes in my heart I cannot patch.
My eyes wants to see your face,
I close it for memories I wont erase
Every waking day, your hug, your kiss,
Unselfish love, I will forever miss.
My prayers each night for a chance to be with you again,
But devastating to know from me, you are taken
So early, you left me,
My soul cries for all that can’t be.
Of sorrow and pain,
Of keeping each other sane
Of waking up and trying,
Of sleeping and crying
Of holes and emptiness,
Of feeling of loneliness
Of continuous longing,
Of holding and fighting
Of missing you,
Of losing you.