Thoughts after February 14

Thoughts about love. What is it really?

They say, love is wise. It teaches our mind what to feel. But why do some get fooled and ended up broken.

Some said love conquers all. It allows a person to do everything for someone they truly love. But why do some give up.

Another said that love is patient. Only fools rush in, so the song goes. They say if we really love someone, we have to wait for the right time. But how will you know if you waited too long. What if you’re waiting for nothing?

How do we define love? How can we explain a feeling that is too strong for words?

Love – unexplainable, unpredictable, complicated. Yet we chase it, we choose it. All the time.

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Inked, Marked, Tattooed

Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.

“I leave it up to 2018 to surprise me”. Same date last year when I posted this statement on my first blog for 2018. In the past, I used to write my goals and plans at the start of each year. But in 2018, I didn’t. I broke my own rules and welcomed spontaneity. Little did I know that after publishing that post, I was few hours away from receiving the “surprise” that 2018 had for me.

It was the worst, devastatingly shocking surprise. It ripped all the sh*t out of me. Marking that dreadful day, I decided to write every 12th of each month. It liberated all the emotions inside me. It accompanied me as I journey on. And today it turned a year old. 12 blog posts full of yearning, affliction and torment.

On its anniversary date, I was thinking of writing the same thing. Later on, I changed my mind. I realized no matter how much I write, the pain will never goes away. This longing and emptiness will never end. The torment will always remain. All it will do is to consume what is left of me. I know whoever the reason for this pain will never want me to stay this way. That someone would like me to find the strength to go on, to live this life.

That day took the most important person in my life. I will never forget it. Far more, I will remember that someone as long as I shall live.

Forever, marked.

Ambivalent

Hey 2018, I cant wait to leave you! The pain you brought me was the worst and the hardest that I had endured. I didn’t even know how I was able to pull through, but I did.

At the same time, a part of me would like to hold on to you. Leaving you means I will have to leave the last year that we shared together. Facing an entire year without my hero.

But life goes on as they say, no matter how hard it had been. I’ll bring with me memories not just of 2018 but all the years weve been together. Now, I bravely welcome you 2019, for whatever it is you have in store for me.

12.12

12th day of the 12th month of the year:

January – First birthday

February – First whole month

March – First summer outing

April – First church event

May – First Mother’s day

June – First visit to salon

July – First hospitalization

August – First sleep over in our new home

September – First job shift

October – First Gabe’s competition

November – First annual out of town trip

December – First family reunion

Without you..

Huck Finn

This weekend I decided to revisit the pages of my favorite childhood novel. Surprisingly, it feels like reading it for the first time. The story is more than just the (mis)adventures of a runaway boy with dirty clothes and a raft. It depicts cruelty, slavery, fraud, friendship and freedom which are still evident nowadays. It used to be entertaining for me to read as a kid, and still is, but with a different depth now as an adult. I even grabbed a pen and paper to scribble down quotes and takeaways. No wonder, it is the first Great American Novel! 📓

Butterfly 🦋

Today, concerts and musicals are gaining a lot of popularity here in the Philippines. It is applicable for both local and foreign. I’ve seen some this year; Sarah G and Ang Huling El Bimbo for locals and for foreign acts, Ed Sheeran, Bruno Mars, Mariah Carey and soon Brian Mcknight on December. All of them were great, I lost my voice singing in Divide, danced the whole night in 24K, amazed by the production in This 15 me, watched with awe my first musical El Bimbo but it was the Caution Tour that holds a special place in my heart. It made my heart cry.

I grew up listening to Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. I vividly remember how we played “Superwoman” in our cassette tape, paused it to capture the lyrics, jot it down then rewind to check if we got the lyrics right. Every Saturday morning while cleaning the house, Mariah’s playlist will be our background music. It was our energy booster. It made our household chores fun. Long drives were never boring with a good music riding along with us. Karaoke are always present on every birthdays or special occasions, as we sang our lungs out singing “Saving All My Love For You”.

She was not a singer but loved music. She introduced me to 80s and 90s music. She always told me how “out of style” my father’s song choices were. She taught me how to appreciate lyrics of every songs. When I was young, she surprised me with a mini component because she knew how much I love singing and dancing. She texted me whenever she listened to a music that she knew I will love like Angels Brought Me Here. Because of her, every song about life and love is about her.

She is my Through The Years, my Wind Beneath My Wings, my Hero, my Bye Bye, my One Sweet Day, my Song for Mama, my Supermarket Flowers.

She is my Butterfly. 🦋

Midnight

In my dreams,

I saw your face

You smiled at me

It melted my heart

In my dreams,

I heard your voice

You spoke so softly

It calms my soul

In my dreams,

I held your hand

You touched me

It lingers in my mind

Once again,

You were there

You were with me

But only in my dreams

Miss Granny – isang pagmumulat

Pagkatapos mapanood ang Philippine adaptation ng Korean movie na Miss Granny, ang mga sumusunod ay mga realisasyon ko bilang isang anak mula sa isang ina:

1. Kahit binago ang takbo ng buhay niya, pinakamasayang araw niya nung ikaw ay ipinanganak.

2. Paulit-ulit niyang pipiliin ang buhay na meron siya kasama ka kahit gano kahirap ang dinanas niya.

3. Proud siya sa lahat ng ginagawa at narating mo, maliit man o malaki.

4. Kahit nasaktan mo siya, hinding hindi ka nya matitiis. Patatawarin ka nya at hindi kailanman magbabago ang pagtingin nya sayo.

5. Hindi nauubos ang pagmamahal at pang-unawa na kaya niyang ibigay. At buong sarili nya ay kaya nyang isakripisyo para sayo.

Kaya tulad ng lyrics sa soundtrack na ISA PANG ARAW:

“Di mo namalayan naubusan ka ng oras
Pwede bang humiling
Isa pang araw na ikaw lang ang kasama
Kulang na kulang ang panahon
‘Di sapat and meron tayo ngayon”

Wag natin sayangin ang bawat sandali.

Mahal kita aking sariling Miss Granny.

(Photo courtesy of Pinterest)

The Last Dance

The iconic song “Ang Huling El Bimbo” was brought to the musical theater and I got the chance to watch it last night. It was a story about friendship of four college students named Joy, Jay, Emman and Hector. The play revolved around building relationship and how it was tested by a horrible incident. Eventually, this drifted them apart, leaving them with unresolved issues. The only girl among the group, Joy suffered the most. She did not finish college, endured life of poverty, got a child out of wed-lock and struggled hard to sustain their daily means. As how the song Ang Huling El Bimbo ended, “at isang gabi, nasagasaan sa isang madilim na eskinita”, eventually Joy encountered a tragic death.

For it was already one hell of a sobering song, putting it to play is a lot more distressing. The last act was soulful and intense. After 20 years, the boys came over to pay their last respect to Joy. It was the boys’ graduation when they last met and didn’t communicate thereafter. Full of regrets, what ifs and repentance. Sadly, Joy will no longer hear them.

Coping up with the cruelties and struggles that this world brings, we tend to overlooked those who have been with us from the beginning. As we aged, we conquer our own battle. We wasted our time dwelling over material things, fame and success. Consequently, it allowed us to neglect our families and friends, the core who unceasingly supported us. When they depart, regardless of the amount of time that we spent with them, we still wished we had more time. Imagine how painful it will be for someone who failed to do so. Life indeed is short. So this I have to say, make time for friendships and relationships. Don’t wait till its too late.

Dance with them as if it will be the last.

Angel

How can you lose someone you never had? How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

How can you lose someone you never had?

How can you afford to lose someone you truly love?

We often hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”. No matter how much we wanted to seek answers to so many why’s, we hold our stand in believing that someday everything will soon make perfect sense. Tragedy tests our patience. It can leave us devastated, emotionally drained and most of the time we blame ourselves for all the ridicule that this cruel world brought us.

Where can we get the courage to move on? How can we start all over? When will this pain ends? It will be a long and hard battle to win. A lot of lessons to learn, tears to shed, hearts to mourn. Things get worst before it gets better. With all these circumstances, our faith must hold us together. Let it go. Continue to trust in Him. Instead, don’t ask why, seek for His answer.

Fly now our angels.